My adorable pet rock
The musings of my pet rock.
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Whoa! Whoa the cruel and unusual irony that I must be grounded on these limestone steps: a creature of the wind whose sails have ceased, a ship docking on a silent sea. Tethered tragically, my heart hast grown far too heavy for my weak wings to take final flight. My body, Icarus, crumpled on the…
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- They should merge Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas into an epic two-month holiday event. Herry HallogivingMas!
- Gogurt is disturbing
- I would never wish to be a fly on the wall of any great historical event for three reasons 1) I doubt flies could hear and understand what was being said nor understand the significance of the events occurring 2) I’d most likely distract the participants from their great tasks while they all try to swat me [please note: I would NOT want to be a fly in any room with President Obama - that guy is a ninja when it comes to flies] 3) I don’t want to eat poo
- I have not once seen a Big Apple in the Big Apple. False advertising.
- The “lord” should be removed from the title”Landlord,” unless they are British and have met the Queen.
- Aliens in movies are either adorable or evil, disgusting SOBS. Why can’t they be both?
- The best way to make yourself sound “in-the-know”: pepper your speech with made-up acronyms (also, use the word pepper as a verb)
- The 63rd & Lexington Subway station is a close approximation of hell. 4 epic escalators down, red-tiled walls, plus the faint sound of the Earth’s mantle, and a heat that can only be described as oven-like. I’m not a religious rock, but a word of advice to humans: be good people, be good. Or don’t take the F.
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“If you can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, than you are a thief and proud of it.” - rock
“The early bird is such a smug bastard.” - rock
“It ain’t over till – oh, it’s over.” - rock
And an oldie but a goody:
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” - Former President George W. Bush
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Photo reblogged from I'm Ben Warheit
(via benwarheit)
From the brilliant mind of Ben Warheit to your eye sockets…
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Here’s my script for the romantic comedy I’ve been working on:
Character Descriptions:
Guy: Relaxed, maybe sometimes a little too relaxed. Handsome but doesn’t milk it. Loves babies and building things with his bare hands while reading and earning money by doing some unspecified yet incredibly lucrative job that gives him an enormous amount of free time.
Girl: Drop-dead gorgeous, but hidden by her pulled back hair and glasses. Uptight and very work-oriented, a little too work-oriented. Wants to be loved, but is too focused on her career to realize that. Klutzy, but only to the adorable, not pathological point.
Guy: Hi
Girl: Hi. I don’t like/trust you OR I don’t have time for a relationship.
Guy: Come on
Girl: You are so infuriating!
Guy:…Come on….
Pause.
Guy talks to comedic best friend (less attractive/bald nonthreatening guy friend) about Girl.
Guy: I really like her
Friend: Go for it man. (says something funny)
Girl talks to her comedic best friend (less attractive/shorter/full-figured nonthreatening girl friend) about Guy.
Girl: I really like him.
Friend: (laughing) If you don’t want him, I’ll take him. (They laugh)
Guy and Girl meet again. Girl does something klutzy. Guy watches bemused/helps her up. They laugh. Dramatic pause. They kiss. Montage of falling in love.
Girl and Guy kiss again.
Guy: I have a problem
Girl: I have a problem too.
Guy: Oh no.
Girl: Oh no.
Sad montage without each other. Respective comedic friends try to cheer them up over wine (for the girls) and beer (for the guys).
Guy and Girl run into each other at coffee shop/top of iconic building/in New York City.
Guy: Wait, I’m okay. Love you.
Girl: Me too. (Pulls hair down).
They kiss. Comedic friends say something funny.
Roll credits.
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…for world domination.
- Build spaceship
- Fly spaceship into space for a bit
- Fly back to earth
- Defeat Will Smith
- Ask for the complete surrender of humanity
- Enjoy all the Pinkberry I want.
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Diamonds are, for the most part, total dicks.
Speaking the truth since 270,000,000 B.C.E.,
Rock
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For today, just today - even if for just a moment - SMILE. Don’t do it sarcastically, sardonically, cruelly, or ironically. Just smile! It will cheer everyone else up (or at the very least shock them) and may actually make you feel infinitesimally less grumpy. So, just for today, smile.
With gratitude,
Rock
