My adorable pet rock

New York Smoments: Soliloquy of a Dying Pigeon

Tue, 10 Aug 2010 15:27:09 -0400

New York Smoments: Soliloquy of a Dying Pigeon:

Whoa! Whoa the cruel and unusual irony that I must be grounded on these limestone steps: a creature of the wind whose sails have ceased, a ship docking on a silent sea. Tethered tragically, my heart hast grown far too heavy for my weak wings to take final flight. My body, Icarus, crumpled on the…

(via benwarheit)

Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:22:59 -0400

(via benwarheit)

All together now.

Tue, 03 Aug 2010 21:29:07 -0400

All together now.

Thoughts for your Sunday

Sun, 01 Aug 2010 14:53:45 -0400

They should merge Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas into an epic two-month holiday event. Herry HallogivingMas!
Gogurt is disturbing
I would never wish to be a fly on the wall of any great historical event for three reasons 1) I doubt flies could hear and understand what was being said nor understand the significance of the events occurring 2) I’d most likely distract the participants from their great tasks while they all try to swat me [please note: I would NOT want to be a fly in any room with President Obama - that guy is a ninja when it comes to flies] 3) I don’t want to eat poo
I have not once seen a Big Apple in the Big Apple. False advertising.
The “lord” should be removed from the title”Landlord,” unless they are British and have met the Queen.
Aliens in movies are either adorable or evil, disgusting SOBS. Why can’t they be both?
The best way to make yourself sound “in-the-know”: pepper your speech with made-up acronyms (also, use the word pepper as a verb)
The 63rd & Lexington Subway station is a close approximation of hell. 4 epic escalators down, red-tiled walls, plus the faint sound of the Earth’s mantle, and a heat that can only be described as oven-like. I’m not a religious rock, but a word of advice to humans: be good people, be good. Or don’t take the F.

Inspirational quotes for today:

Fri, 30 Jul 2010 12:44:06 -0400

“If you can walk a mile in someone else’s shoes, than you are a thief and proud of it.” - rock

“The early bird is such a smug bastard.” - rock

“It ain’t over till – oh, it’s over.” - rock

And an oldie but a goody:

“There’s an old saying in Tennessee — I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can’t get fooled again.” - Former President George W. Bush

(via benwarheit) From the brilliant mind of Ben Warheit to your...

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 20:42:09 -0400

(via benwarheit)

From the brilliant mind of Ben Warheit to your eye sockets…

RomCom

Thu, 29 Jul 2010 16:02:00 -0400

Here’s my script for the romantic comedy I’ve been working on:

Character Descriptions:

Guy: Relaxed, maybe sometimes a little too relaxed. Handsome but doesn’t milk it. Loves babies and building things with his bare hands while reading and earning money by doing some unspecified yet incredibly lucrative job that gives him an enormous amount of free time.

Girl: Drop-dead gorgeous, but hidden by her pulled back hair and glasses. Uptight and very work-oriented, a little too work-oriented. Wants to be loved, but is too focused on her career to realize that. Klutzy, but only to the adorable, not pathological point.

Guy: Hi

Girl: Hi. I don’t like/trust you OR I don’t have time for a relationship.

Guy: Come on

Girl: You are so infuriating!

Guy:…Come on….

Pause.

Guy talks to comedic best friend (less attractive/bald nonthreatening guy friend) about Girl.

Guy: I really like her

Friend: Go for it man. (says something funny)

Girl talks to her comedic best friend (less attractive/shorter/full-figured nonthreatening girl friend) about Guy.

Girl: I really like him.

Friend: (laughing) If you don’t want him, I’ll take him. (They laugh)

Guy and Girl meet again. Girl does something klutzy. Guy watches bemused/helps her up. They laugh. Dramatic pause. They kiss. Montage of falling in love.

Girl and Guy kiss again.

Guy: I have a problem

Girl: I have a problem too.

Guy: Oh no.

Girl: Oh no.

Sad montage without each other. Respective comedic friends try to cheer them up over wine (for the girls) and beer (for the guys).

Guy and Girl run into each other at coffee shop/top of iconic building/in New York City.

Guy: Wait, I’m okay. Love you.

Girl: Me too. (Pulls hair down).

They kiss. Comedic friends say something funny.

Roll credits.

My plan...

Wed, 28 Jul 2010 22:15:57 -0400

…for world domination.

Build spaceship
Fly spaceship into space for a bit
Fly back to earth
Defeat Will Smith
Ask for the complete surrender of humanity
Enjoy all the Pinkberry I want.

I'm just going to say it...

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 23:56:08 -0400

Diamonds are, for the most part, total dicks.

Speaking the truth since 270,000,000 B.C.E.,

Rock

To all the sourpusses of the world

Mon, 26 Jul 2010 18:10:15 -0400

For today, just today - even if for just a moment - SMILE. Don’t do it sarcastically, sardonically, cruelly, or ironically. Just smile! It will cheer everyone else up (or at the very least shock them) and may actually make you feel infinitesimally less grumpy. So, just for today, smile.

With gratitude,

Rock

My new favorite word: It’s UNBUBBLIEVABLE!

Sun, 25 Jul 2010 20:30:01 -0400

My new favorite word: It’s UNBUBBLIEVABLE!

In my opinion (rock's thoughts for Tuesday)

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 22:31:40 -0400

1) Planning any sort of gathering between friends is fraught with peril. Instead, invite only enemies or people that irritate you, and all the scheduling hiccups and lowered expectations can easily be blamed on those jerks you invited, rather than your complete inability to organize a thought, let alone an event.

2) Printers only fail when you really REALLY need them to work. Therefore, do what I do, cut out the middleman and develop a photographic memory instead (pun absolutely intended).

3) “Blockbuster”/Action movie posters use too much blue and orange together. Seriously, take a look the next time you see a poster or billboard for the latest superhero prequel/sequel/trilogy/parody (or just see below). Instead they should utilize more purple and gold (go Huskies!)

4) Bloody Mary will always be either an extremely disappointing sleepover game for tween girls or an extremely disappointing drink for vampires.

5) Any sentence that starts with the phrase “in this economy” is going to suck.

6) The Prius looks like a really lame alien’s used car. They should bring back the DeLorean instead.

7) Listening to others’ opinions is ill-advised, except if you are you listening to me.

9 to 5 isn't 9 to 5 anymore

Sat, 17 Jul 2010 21:39:00 -0400

When did 9 to 5 become 8 to 6? I’m just curious, because that song got stuck in my head today and I realized that, as I hummed along to the 5 second section of the melody I actually remembered, 9 to 5 is a rarity these days. G has 9 to 5 but M has 9 to 6 and when those two lovebirds lived in the desert hell of LaLaLand it was more like 8 to 6 each day (not including commute times of course). Granted it was nice for me, all that blissful alone time, but they came home every day exhausted and grumpy, which ruined many an otherwise pleasant evening.

Also, what happened to the now mythical lunch hour? Nowadays it is not only acceptable, but rather expected that you take short lunches, or none at all, resorting to the joy of eating a lean cuisine at your desk. That sounds like hell in a cubicle to me (of course, “hell in cubicle” is redundant). What happened to taking a break from work to clear your mind? I know after several hours of hard work surfing the internet I need time to step outside, gain some perspective, then dive back into the joys and perils of YouTube.

One last question, since I’m on this “fascinating” topic - why only two weeks vacation? Why do children get an entire summer off, while adults, who are older, slower, and closer to dying, have to get by on a measly two weeks? And some don’t even get that? And the ones that do, don’t even take the two weeks at all, because if they do, the work will just pile up? What the f?

I’m just one rock, and I certainly don’t have any desire to change the world for the better (for the worse, that’s a different story), but in my not-so-humble opinion, you stupid humans are working yourselves to death. Stop it! You guys are hard enough to deal with when you’re well-rested, let alone when you’re over-worked and underpaid. So do the rest of the earth a favor and stop being a martyr for your stupid company (they won’t appreciate it anyway). Take a long lunch, take a day off, and please please please take a fricken’ vacation! And if your boss doesn’t like it, well I don’t know what to say about that other than that guy/girl is a prick.

Just had to post this. Makes me feel all cuddly and soft inside,...

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 00:04:30 -0400

Just had to post this. Makes me feel all cuddly and soft inside, and I’m a rock.

Matt + Phil + tiger cub = Best picture ever.

Sat, 10 Jul 2010 13:31:00 -0400

Matt + Phil + tiger cub = Best picture ever.

Texting - One rock's view

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 20:46:00 -0400

You can tell a lot about someone by the way they text. I should know this as texting, a gleefully passive-aggressive form of communication, has become my new favorite way of interacting with my many minions (rocks have minions - the more you know).

I’ve decided that:

1) If you type long, complete sentences that are filled with unnecessary adjectives and take up two to three messages you are either:

A self-involved jerk who either doesn’t care about the fact that not everyone has unlimited texting
A verbose teenage girl
A poet who should be writing on paper not cellphone
Me, because I have a lot to say and I’m very important

2) If you type incredibly short messages consisting of one or two words max, you are either:

A self-involved jerk who doesn’t care enough to send a thoughtful text
A person who is just not that into me
A man
Someone who doesn’t have unlimited texting

3) If you type ridiculously short messages lacking any semblance of a complete thought or even word (ex: c u l8r) - wtf?, you are either:

A less-verbose teenage girl
My dad
Someone who clearly failed spelling in elementary school and thinks that’s ”cute” rather than just irritating
A person who has one of those annoying personalized license plates nobody can understand
A very lazy person who would rather spend that energy flipping the remote or eating pretzels

4) If you type short, to the point, thoughtful messages you:

Don’t exist

Happy Texting to you!

Some of rock's favorite things:

Mon, 05 Jul 2010 19:54:00 -0400

In no particular order, here is a list of a few of my favorite things. I’m not giving any of these away to a studio audience any time soon though, so don’t get your hopes up. So greedy.

Rocks
More rocks
Hulu (not Hulu Plus)
Windows that are clean
Dogs that eat spaghetti
Awkward prom photos
An UWS resident beating up an UES resident
References only New Yorkers would get
Strudel
Fire escapes (see previous posts)
Dream catchers
Hotel room paintings
Cardboard
Meryl Streep
The epic battle of MAC vs. PC
2010 Male Model of the Year, Cayman Islands
Fireworks (just the noise)
Toaster strudels (I love strudels)
iPhone headphones that work
Key-chain Etch-a-Sketches

I Hate Summer

Sun, 04 Jul 2010 12:10:00 -0400

Correction: I don’t hate summer, I just hate the weather during summer. 95 with 90% humidity is not my idea of a good time. Plus, I don’t sweat. I just get hotter and hotter until I can scald any fool not just spiritually but physically too.

The heat also makes me extremely lethargic. All I want to do in the summer is hide in the apartment with the air conditioning full blast. However, the constant sunshine and generally grating cheerfulness of the season makes me feel guilty for not going outside and “enjoying” the day. The other seasons don’t make you feel so guilty. They just are. They don’t expect you to go out and enjoy them all the time. Summer is just selfish.

To top it all off, the heat of summer leads to some of the most horrifically diverse smells ready to assault you whenever you leave your apartment. So not only do you want to pass out from the stifling humidity but also the oppressive stench of garbage.

It’s indeed the most wonderful time of the year.

Solution: I’m staying inside until the leaves change.

My favorite place in all of New York.

Sat, 03 Jul 2010 17:51:46 -0400

My favorite place in all of New York.

Rock, Warrior Princess

Sat, 03 Jul 2010 10:26:00 -0400

It’s Sunday. The day of battle. The day where my fate as rock is decided. Where I muster all my strength and lift my heavy month-old burden onto my shoulders and bravely face the world of tomorrow with the waste of the past, trying desperately to wash it “fresh again with true love tears” (thank you Shakespeare).

Today, I carry all the pain of life’s weary days on my back and traverse the treacherous slope of stairs out into the harsh sun of the outside world. My sweat and tears mix with the effort and pain of anticipated battle. I walk the blazing sidewalks, dodging speeding cars and crazed mothers with strollers. I cry out in pain when the blinking hand of fate tells me to yield to the minions of the street. Finally the angel in white tells me it is safe to pass. I do so with steel-faced courage.

Finally, after what feels like a fortnight, I make it to a towering entrance ominously painted in serpent’s green and the blood of lost souls. The doors open with a mighty roar. I breathe what may be my last breath, close my eyes and enter the abyss.
Will I make it out alive? Will I die a warrior’s death? Only the fates can tell. The war has begun.

It is laundry day.